Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve!  I spent my day doing a couple loads of laundry.  Not ordinary everyday clothes kind of laundry.  I always wash new fabric when I get it and yesterday I purchased two flannels to make Hunter some new jammy pants.  I've made his jammies since he was little and he refuses to want/wear any store bought kind.  Although I'm sure if I or any one else were to buy him a pair or two he would not refuse them out of courtesy and kindness to the giver.  He just prefers the ones I make.  They are not complicated and other than being made by me are nothing special.  Interestingly enough there wasn't much to choose from print wise for boys.  Since the local JoAnn's became a super store it seems they are showcasing more arts and craft wares than fabrics.  The store may be larger, but the results are not satisfying to us sewers as the print on the fabrics are few, unless your a girl which would stand to reason since majority of the sewers are indeed female.  After showing Hunter my choices he questioned the theme...ha ha...they are both Native American prints(according to him).  It was that or sports!
After washing, drying and folding the flannel in such a way to assist with keeping it smooth they are now ready to be laid out, pinned, cut and sewn into jammies.  I'll be working on them the day after tomorrow.  I've been thinking more and more about getting my quilt room in order!!!

I also washed the clean bedding to freshen them up for Felicia and Luke's stay.

Hunter and I took the dogs for a short walk.  It was a beautiful day for it too.  Not too chilly!  The sun shone brightly.  I always feel better after a walk.  We have been very fortunate this year to have quite a few days like today...unseasonably warmer in my opinion.
After the walk, I came home and made an onion....pizza/tart kind of thing. I saw someone on Food Network make one the other day and I can't remember exactly what she called it.  Hers had caramelized onions, anchovies and what looked like olives (although she used a different label, so not sure).  Mine had onions and perchueto (spelling is way off on this one I'm sure--italian ham) and mozzarella cheese.  It was quite yummy if I do say so myself.  I wish I'd thought to take a picture of it before diving in.

I'm kind of lonely tonight and look forward to seeing my kids.  I wish the older boys could have been here, but that isn't going to happen and I'll just have to think about visiting them. I'm sad too, but I won't go there tonight...not tonight.

I haven't done much baking this year for Christmas....I don't know why exactly.  I'm still getting settled and there is a lot to do still.  I'm still getting acquainted with my kitchen.   And I needed a rolling pin....enough with the excuses I just haven't been in the roll my sleeves up and get to baking mood.  I did make my dad some oatmeal raisin cookies.  I substituted half of the flour for whole wheat and Blue Agave for the sugar.  I also added finely chopped walnuts to the batter.  He enjoyed them! I plan on baking something to take to the guys down in Rainier at the auto fix it place...ummm...Exhaust and Tire Shop, I think that's the name.  Anyway they have always been great to me and I want to treat them to a goody now and then.  I have to time it just right as it cost me a tank of gas and with the cost of gas we are talking $20 a trip!  To some that isn't much, but right now I don't have the luxury to throw that kind of money into my tank for frivolous trips.  I have to go to Longview and when I do I'll make sure to have the goody to take with me.

Holiday Hardships

It's been three years...three Christmas's without him. Honestly I don't know if there is an easier time of year to be without him...it just sucks all the time.  What I've learned is the pain is always there, you just learn to live/to cope better with time.  The holidays...Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays...are harder to suck it up and not give in to the gnawing of the pain that exist in my soul.  A struggle of emotion is at the surface and is threatening to rush up and over and I have to take deep breaths and shove it back down so I can continue to be happy with my life and show my son that we can survive and thrive without his dad being here.

Speaking of my son...he is growing quickly...in a matter of a few weeks he's grown an inch and three quarters! Before I know it he will be taller than I am!  And that is no small feat, as I'm five eight.  He is growing to be quite the young man.  I'm proud of him and I know that Terry would be very proud of him too.

Hunter exclaimed to me that he didn't really remember his dad...although he had no problem remembering the chair.  I told him not to worry because each time he looked in the mirror his dad would be looking back, each time he shoved his hands in his pockets, or walked, or spoke...would be is dad all over again.  I try to tell him stories and little details about his dad when he wants to talk about him. And there are some pictures and videos when he wants to see them.  Until that time I won't push.

Once again God has changed my plans.

Who would have known that I'd still be in Clatskanie? My plans were to move three thousand miles away to be with my love. God had other plans for me.

June 6, 2011, two days prior to my moving truck arriving my love suffered a major stroke and died instantly. My house was sold and I was standing there in the middle of rows of boxes and knew it was time to move. I was left grieving and scrambling to pick up my shattered world once again. At first I attempted to buy a house in the Longview, Washington area, but kept hitting road block after road block. I mentioned to someone in my area about my house hunting and she told me about a house in my local area, within my price range. What did I have to lose? I decided to take a look at the house and fell in love with it. Everything fell right into place and I knew God wanted me here! I don't know what plans he has for me, but I know without a doubt God has blessed me even under the circumstances.

This will be our first Christmas in our new house! I praise God.

Without going into great details, I am in a relationship with someone from my past. Had we been honest with one another we would have married back then...twenty plus years have passed and we reunited thanks to Facebook. Unfortunately due to circumstances our relationship is long distance for the time being. I am making plans to move 3000 miles to be with him next June. I flew out and met him in his hometown and we spent ten wonderful days together so I know that there is an attraction there. We spend a great amount of time on the phone and our evenings are spent on webcam.

Yesterday he calls me....okay, nothing unusual about that...except for the fact he'd been drinking a good amount (imo) and was trying to get me to change my mind about the length of time I needed to move. I can understand the motive, but the tactics he used really disturbed me....trying to manipulate me to get what he wanted was bad enough, but the things he said to me really pissed me off. I thought I was fine last night when I talked with him, but this morning I still feel upset about the things he said. He's apologized for it, so what am I to do?! I can't hold it against him because it would not do our relationship any good....but how do I let go of the things he's said. There is so much I like about him and love about him, but does it outweigh what I don't like about him? I guess time will tell! And the real question is can I live with it.

Being in a relationship is hard work, being in a long distance relationship is really hard work!

His actions have made me miss my late husband more than ever and I broke down in the shower crying. In a weird sense, I was crying for so many reasons. Because of the complications of this relationship I miss the easiness of the relationship I had with my late husband. And if he hadn't of died I wouldn't be dealing with the shit that this new relationship is giving me....and yeah, I know it's the person, not the relationship in general...but I also remember that there was a period of time that my late husband and I had to get through to make our relationship what it was. My thoughts in the shower..."why did you have to leave me?"...and I know the answer and I know that he is better off being where he is and not here, suffering....but hey, sometimes your mind takes you to places you'd rather not go! Today just happens to be one of those days!

until next time!

Another day

The last three nights I was involved in the committee for the scholarships that have been put together. These were in memory of classmates of Clatskanie who are no longer with us. The first scholarship was awarded last year in memory of Terry and has continued this year.

There was a young woman who really touched me for two reasons; her love of life and her love for Clatskanie. She reminded me so much of what Terry in those respects.

As I left I started to cry and although part of it was because of the loss of Terry, I also recognized that I was crying because I needed so badly to be held and the man that I'm in love with now isn't near enough for him to do that.

Yes, I get a second chance at love with someone I've loved for 23 years. Facebook reunited us....so I can say that Facebook has truly changed my life dramatically. I'm sure Terry had a hand in this too, because Ray and I always were the best of friends and would have been married 23 years ago had we spoken what we truly felt for one another. Oh sure we knew we loved one another, but didn't know the extent of the others feelings until this reunion. Anyhow, we live three thousand miles apart (for now).

He will be in Michigan for the summer and invited me out to see him. I'll be leaving the end of June and will be gone for ten days. Until then I've got to keep myself busy and believe me when I say I have enough to keep me busy!

Exactly one week ago I had Lasik surgery. My eyes are still healing and this is natural. I have problems reading and may need to purchase a cheap set of readers. I will tell you I LOVE not having to wear glasses. I've worn them for years and it seems strange in a sense to NOT have to put them on after I've gotten dressed. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten something and realize I haven't.

Feeling happy again

One morning I was sitting at my computer and realized for the first time since my late husband passed away I was feeling happy, truly happy. I waited for the feeling to pass but it hasn't. I have come to the conclusion that although I will probably always miss him; I don't have to be miserable. I can be happy. Over the course of the last year and a half I have mourned my loss hard and have gone through the motions of life without truly living it. It isn't that I didn't want to get on with my life and be happy, but it was the process I had to go through to get to where I'm at today.

The following week I reconnected with a very old flame...someone whom I thought I'd never see again. Is it fate? Could it be that moving through the process my late husband knew I was ready to be a part of a relationship again? Did he make this possible? From talking with him prior to his death I know he wanted me to find love again and to be happy...and he'd send me someone perfect for me. Who better to find someone for me? Someone who knew me to the fullest extent and knew what or who would be perfect for me?!

Time will reveal all things, until then I'm starting to live my life again and smiling more and more from the inside out.

It's getting closer to his birthday and Spring. His spirits would always rise this time of year with the anticipation of Summer approaching. I think about him everyday. There are days I go without crying and then I will have days that I cry a little everyday. I miss him and I'm lonely without him. My world is fast moving around me and I'm trying to keep up.

I hate relying on others to get things done. It was different with him, he had the knowledge, the tools and the strength (with my help) to keep this place up. I see things crumbling around me and I want to get these things repaired promptly and correctly and in order to get these things done I have to wait for others....it drives me crazy. The funny thing is even if he were alive he was too sick and crippled to be able to do anything...I remember and want to remember the times he was healthy and able to do the things he loved to do. Reality is a different story and as much as I want to remember him being healthy, the truth is he wasn't!

I don't have him to rely on anymore, just myself and those that I know who are capable to do the things that I need to get done. Patience has to be practiced here.

There is always a price to pay.