Aftershocks...ripple effects...

It's been almost four years since he passed away.  I've rebuilt my life, bought a nice house in town, taking care of my dogs that I've always wanted, raising my son to the best of my ability, in a relationship with a nice man....decided to start school again.  I started CNA school and am enrolled in college for the fall.  My daughter is expecting twins...my first grandbabies.  I can't tell you how excited I am and how scared I am too!  I want to be there to help her..I want to live close by...so I decided to move.  This decision wasn't an easy one.  There are so many things involved.  I had to make a choice to get rid of two of my babies.  This is the hardest part...they leave today and it breaks my heart because I feel like I've let them down, I'm letting myself down and I'm letting my son down.

Time To Breath!

Wow!  Where do I begin?  I was dating this really great guy, but recently we decided to take a break.  He ended up having a full plate and it left no time for me.  But this blog isn't about him really or our relationship.  It's about me and what I learned about myself.
I need to be by myself and trust that I can take care of myself and my son.  I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship it will be for the wrong reasons.  Reasons that I will find just cause to suite the needs at the moment, but will it be a sustainable, long term commitment?  Will it be because the man I'm with can take care of me and I won't have to do this all alone?  Or will it be because I truly love and am in love with him.  Can I trust myself??  Or would I be cheating the man and myself?  These are hard questions and only I and the man I'm with can truthfully answer.
After a few days I realized that I don't have much of a life... sure I go to work, have friends, take care of my house and son.  My job is only part time, my friends are married and busy with their families, my son is old enough to not need my undivided attention all day or night.  Where does that leave me?  Don't get me wrong I'm not bored.  I love to read and sew...but I'm talking about outside this house.
I find it difficult to go out and maybe have a glass of wine by myself...for one, I live in a rural area so not much going on around this area and not many people are out and about on the weeknights and two, I find it uncomfortable just sitting there by myself.  No one to talk to, no live music to listen to.  How do you attract someone by just sitting there?  And I will not leave my thirteen year old son to travel an hour to find something to do in the evening.