Aftershocks...ripple effects...

It's been almost four years since he passed away.  I've rebuilt my life, bought a nice house in town, taking care of my dogs that I've always wanted, raising my son to the best of my ability, in a relationship with a nice man....decided to start school again.  I started CNA school and am enrolled in college for the fall.  My daughter is expecting twins...my first grandbabies.  I can't tell you how excited I am and how scared I am too!  I want to be there to help her..I want to live close by...so I decided to move.  This decision wasn't an easy one.  There are so many things involved.  I had to make a choice to get rid of two of my babies.  This is the hardest part...they leave today and it breaks my heart because I feel like I've let them down, I'm letting myself down and I'm letting my son down.

Time To Breath!

Wow!  Where do I begin?  I was dating this really great guy, but recently we decided to take a break.  He ended up having a full plate and it left no time for me.  But this blog isn't about him really or our relationship.  It's about me and what I learned about myself.
I need to be by myself and trust that I can take care of myself and my son.  I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship it will be for the wrong reasons.  Reasons that I will find just cause to suite the needs at the moment, but will it be a sustainable, long term commitment?  Will it be because the man I'm with can take care of me and I won't have to do this all alone?  Or will it be because I truly love and am in love with him.  Can I trust myself??  Or would I be cheating the man and myself?  These are hard questions and only I and the man I'm with can truthfully answer.
After a few days I realized that I don't have much of a life... sure I go to work, have friends, take care of my house and son.  My job is only part time, my friends are married and busy with their families, my son is old enough to not need my undivided attention all day or night.  Where does that leave me?  Don't get me wrong I'm not bored.  I love to read and sew...but I'm talking about outside this house.
I find it difficult to go out and maybe have a glass of wine by myself...for one, I live in a rural area so not much going on around this area and not many people are out and about on the weeknights and two, I find it uncomfortable just sitting there by myself.  No one to talk to, no live music to listen to.  How do you attract someone by just sitting there?  And I will not leave my thirteen year old son to travel an hour to find something to do in the evening.

Going back to school...third times the charm?!

I've decided to go back to college...third times the charm right?!  I have been toying with the idea for some time now and decided to just go for it.  I feel like I'm in a better state of mind and stronger than I've ever been before.
Last week I registered to attend and signed up for financial aid.  I spoke to a counselor and have another meeting at the end of the month.  I will sign up for classes as soon as they open it up to do so.
Wish me luck!!

Sleeplessness...is dragging me down!

After Terry passed away I couldn't sleep through the night.  I didn't have a problem going to sleep, it was staying asleep that was an issue.  Waking up for several years around two a.m. to turn Terry had changed my bodies patterns.  After struggling with this for several months I decided I needed some help.  I contacted a local naturalist and he prescribed something to help.  Within two weeks I noticed I was sleeping through the night and continued to take them for an additional six months.  I decided that I would try to go without them and see if my problem returned.  I went without them and it wasn't until Raymond's passing that I started having problems again.  It has been nine months and I'm not sleeping through the night.   A friend of mine suggested I take Moon Drops.  These are a natural homeopathic sleep aid.  I just found them on Amazon.com and ordered them.  I'll let you know if they work.

They didn't work.  I have had this ongoing issue and some nights I sleep through the night and some nights I don't.

Spray painting

I took on the challenge of spray painting my television cabinet!  It used to be white and I've spray painted it black to match the bookcases I purchased at Ikea.  This is my first spray painting job and although it isn't perfect by any means it will do nicely.  The cabinet was taken apart and has taken me a couple of weeks because I do not have the space to spray each piece at the same time. I have to spray paint one piece and let it dry for several days before I can move on.  I hadn't realized I'd spray painted one of the pieces for the back on the wrong side.  It was when I was reassembling it that I discovered my mistake.  And while I was reassembling it one of the feet had fallen off (it had been carelessly stapled onto the bottom by the company), so I couldn't take the piece into the garage without the cabinet falling over.  With help I carried the cabinet in its entirety to the garage, set it against the garage door and spray painted it again.  Once it's dry I'll carefully turn it over and reattach the feet.

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve!  I spent my day doing a couple loads of laundry.  Not ordinary everyday clothes kind of laundry.  I always wash new fabric when I get it and yesterday I purchased two flannels to make Hunter some new jammy pants.  I've made his jammies since he was little and he refuses to want/wear any store bought kind.  Although I'm sure if I or any one else were to buy him a pair or two he would not refuse them out of courtesy and kindness to the giver.  He just prefers the ones I make.  They are not complicated and other than being made by me are nothing special.  Interestingly enough there wasn't much to choose from print wise for boys.  Since the local JoAnn's became a super store it seems they are showcasing more arts and craft wares than fabrics.  The store may be larger, but the results are not satisfying to us sewers as the print on the fabrics are few, unless your a girl which would stand to reason since majority of the sewers are indeed female.  After showing Hunter my choices he questioned the theme...ha ha...they are both Native American prints(according to him).  It was that or sports!
After washing, drying and folding the flannel in such a way to assist with keeping it smooth they are now ready to be laid out, pinned, cut and sewn into jammies.  I'll be working on them the day after tomorrow.  I've been thinking more and more about getting my quilt room in order!!!

I also washed the clean bedding to freshen them up for Felicia and Luke's stay.

Hunter and I took the dogs for a short walk.  It was a beautiful day for it too.  Not too chilly!  The sun shone brightly.  I always feel better after a walk.  We have been very fortunate this year to have quite a few days like today...unseasonably warmer in my opinion.
After the walk, I came home and made an onion....pizza/tart kind of thing. I saw someone on Food Network make one the other day and I can't remember exactly what she called it.  Hers had caramelized onions, anchovies and what looked like olives (although she used a different label, so not sure).  Mine had onions and perchueto (spelling is way off on this one I'm sure--italian ham) and mozzarella cheese.  It was quite yummy if I do say so myself.  I wish I'd thought to take a picture of it before diving in.

I'm kind of lonely tonight and look forward to seeing my kids.  I wish the older boys could have been here, but that isn't going to happen and I'll just have to think about visiting them. I'm sad too, but I won't go there tonight...not tonight.

I haven't done much baking this year for Christmas....I don't know why exactly.  I'm still getting settled and there is a lot to do still.  I'm still getting acquainted with my kitchen.   And I needed a rolling pin....enough with the excuses I just haven't been in the roll my sleeves up and get to baking mood.  I did make my dad some oatmeal raisin cookies.  I substituted half of the flour for whole wheat and Blue Agave for the sugar.  I also added finely chopped walnuts to the batter.  He enjoyed them! I plan on baking something to take to the guys down in Rainier at the auto fix it place...ummm...Exhaust and Tire Shop, I think that's the name.  Anyway they have always been great to me and I want to treat them to a goody now and then.  I have to time it just right as it cost me a tank of gas and with the cost of gas we are talking $20 a trip!  To some that isn't much, but right now I don't have the luxury to throw that kind of money into my tank for frivolous trips.  I have to go to Longview and when I do I'll make sure to have the goody to take with me.

Holiday Hardships

It's been three years...three Christmas's without him. Honestly I don't know if there is an easier time of year to be without him...it just sucks all the time.  What I've learned is the pain is always there, you just learn to live/to cope better with time.  The holidays...Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays...are harder to suck it up and not give in to the gnawing of the pain that exist in my soul.  A struggle of emotion is at the surface and is threatening to rush up and over and I have to take deep breaths and shove it back down so I can continue to be happy with my life and show my son that we can survive and thrive without his dad being here.

Speaking of my son...he is growing quickly...in a matter of a few weeks he's grown an inch and three quarters! Before I know it he will be taller than I am!  And that is no small feat, as I'm five eight.  He is growing to be quite the young man.  I'm proud of him and I know that Terry would be very proud of him too.

Hunter exclaimed to me that he didn't really remember his dad...although he had no problem remembering the chair.  I told him not to worry because each time he looked in the mirror his dad would be looking back, each time he shoved his hands in his pockets, or walked, or spoke...would be is dad all over again.  I try to tell him stories and little details about his dad when he wants to talk about him. And there are some pictures and videos when he wants to see them.  Until that time I won't push.