Without going into great details, I am in a relationship with someone from my past. Had we been honest with one another we would have married back then...twenty plus years have passed and we reunited thanks to Facebook. Unfortunately due to circumstances our relationship is long distance for the time being. I am making plans to move 3000 miles to be with him next June. I flew out and met him in his hometown and we spent ten wonderful days together so I know that there is an attraction there. We spend a great amount of time on the phone and our evenings are spent on webcam.

Yesterday he calls me....okay, nothing unusual about that...except for the fact he'd been drinking a good amount (imo) and was trying to get me to change my mind about the length of time I needed to move. I can understand the motive, but the tactics he used really disturbed me....trying to manipulate me to get what he wanted was bad enough, but the things he said to me really pissed me off. I thought I was fine last night when I talked with him, but this morning I still feel upset about the things he said. He's apologized for it, so what am I to do?! I can't hold it against him because it would not do our relationship any good....but how do I let go of the things he's said. There is so much I like about him and love about him, but does it outweigh what I don't like about him? I guess time will tell! And the real question is can I live with it.

Being in a relationship is hard work, being in a long distance relationship is really hard work!

His actions have made me miss my late husband more than ever and I broke down in the shower crying. In a weird sense, I was crying for so many reasons. Because of the complications of this relationship I miss the easiness of the relationship I had with my late husband. And if he hadn't of died I wouldn't be dealing with the shit that this new relationship is giving me....and yeah, I know it's the person, not the relationship in general...but I also remember that there was a period of time that my late husband and I had to get through to make our relationship what it was. My thoughts in the shower..."why did you have to leave me?"...and I know the answer and I know that he is better off being where he is and not here, suffering....but hey, sometimes your mind takes you to places you'd rather not go! Today just happens to be one of those days!

until next time!

Another day

The last three nights I was involved in the committee for the scholarships that have been put together. These were in memory of classmates of Clatskanie who are no longer with us. The first scholarship was awarded last year in memory of Terry and has continued this year.

There was a young woman who really touched me for two reasons; her love of life and her love for Clatskanie. She reminded me so much of what Terry in those respects.

As I left I started to cry and although part of it was because of the loss of Terry, I also recognized that I was crying because I needed so badly to be held and the man that I'm in love with now isn't near enough for him to do that.

Yes, I get a second chance at love with someone I've loved for 23 years. Facebook reunited us....so I can say that Facebook has truly changed my life dramatically. I'm sure Terry had a hand in this too, because Ray and I always were the best of friends and would have been married 23 years ago had we spoken what we truly felt for one another. Oh sure we knew we loved one another, but didn't know the extent of the others feelings until this reunion. Anyhow, we live three thousand miles apart (for now).

He will be in Michigan for the summer and invited me out to see him. I'll be leaving the end of June and will be gone for ten days. Until then I've got to keep myself busy and believe me when I say I have enough to keep me busy!

Exactly one week ago I had Lasik surgery. My eyes are still healing and this is natural. I have problems reading and may need to purchase a cheap set of readers. I will tell you I LOVE not having to wear glasses. I've worn them for years and it seems strange in a sense to NOT have to put them on after I've gotten dressed. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten something and realize I haven't.

Feeling happy again

One morning I was sitting at my computer and realized for the first time since my late husband passed away I was feeling happy, truly happy. I waited for the feeling to pass but it hasn't. I have come to the conclusion that although I will probably always miss him; I don't have to be miserable. I can be happy. Over the course of the last year and a half I have mourned my loss hard and have gone through the motions of life without truly living it. It isn't that I didn't want to get on with my life and be happy, but it was the process I had to go through to get to where I'm at today.

The following week I reconnected with a very old flame...someone whom I thought I'd never see again. Is it fate? Could it be that moving through the process my late husband knew I was ready to be a part of a relationship again? Did he make this possible? From talking with him prior to his death I know he wanted me to find love again and to be happy...and he'd send me someone perfect for me. Who better to find someone for me? Someone who knew me to the fullest extent and knew what or who would be perfect for me?!

Time will reveal all things, until then I'm starting to live my life again and smiling more and more from the inside out.

It's getting closer to his birthday and Spring. His spirits would always rise this time of year with the anticipation of Summer approaching. I think about him everyday. There are days I go without crying and then I will have days that I cry a little everyday. I miss him and I'm lonely without him. My world is fast moving around me and I'm trying to keep up.

I hate relying on others to get things done. It was different with him, he had the knowledge, the tools and the strength (with my help) to keep this place up. I see things crumbling around me and I want to get these things repaired promptly and correctly and in order to get these things done I have to wait for others....it drives me crazy. The funny thing is even if he were alive he was too sick and crippled to be able to do anything...I remember and want to remember the times he was healthy and able to do the things he loved to do. Reality is a different story and as much as I want to remember him being healthy, the truth is he wasn't!

I don't have him to rely on anymore, just myself and those that I know who are capable to do the things that I need to get done. Patience has to be practiced here.

There is always a price to pay.

Another lonely night.

It's been just over a year since he's been gone. Another birthday without him is fast approaching...I miss him terribly and I'm lonely for him...
I realized something the other night. Although I've been perusing some of the singles online sites for awhile now, I'm not in any real hurry to actually "hook up" with anyone. I am lonely, but it's not just the hugging and kissing, it's him that I miss...it's his hugs and kisses...it's his voice I long to hear, but I know that he's gone and I have to move forward without him...that doesn't mean I have to be with anyone to do that.
I am proud of myself for what I have accomplished thus far and I know he'd be proud of me too.
Right now I'm just trying to focus on my schooling and Hunter and taking care of myself.

Hunter and I are going to the movies on Friday...Hunter invited my friend Lew to come along...I was kind of surprised....so it looks like Hunter, Lew and I will be going to see The Lightening Thief. Hunter and I have read the books. They are really good.
Better get back to my homework...until next time...

Another sleepless night!

I was awake again most of the night. It's 5:30 a.m. As 2:30 approached I was thinking how my world feels shattered and I have to for sanity's sake go around and pick up the pieces. This is no easy task. I'm lost, wandering around in the dark...yet another thought occurred to me...you have to walk through the darkness in order to see the light. I thought about writing this on Facebook, but then I remembered I have a blog! Lucky you! ha ha! I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I was tired and I knew I'd be more tired this morning, but I could not fall asleep, the last time I looked at the clock I had thirty minutes to go before the alarm went off. It was then, and only then that I started to drift into a dream state. I remember this, so I know it wasn't a deep sleep. Just as I knew it would happen, my alarm went off and I forced myself to get out of bed.
I made my cup of coffee and here I am!

Although I'm tired, just sharing that little bit with you has made me feel better. I don't know how many of you have had the love of your life pass away, but I assure you it is pure hell and I would not want anyone to have to go through this. But, never the less it is a fact of life and here I am. It's not to say that I would want my or bring my loved one back...only if he were healthy and whole, but not in the condition in which he left this world.

To New Beginnings

Okay, so it is a new year...fall term has ended...winter term has begun. To those of you who attended college, you know that means homework, homework and more homework! I don't really mind the homework on the most part. It just means I am busy and busy is good!
I am trying to rebuild my life after losing my beloved husband, soul mate, friend. It hasn't been easy, holidays, birthday, the first year...one would think it gets easier and in some ways it does. On the most part though a part of me died the day he died. I feel the loss everyday, but nether the less I forge forward into my new life. I know he would be proud of me. I have overcome fears and persevered! I learned to drive a school bus and do that part time and that alone would make most weak in the knees. Learning to drive the bus isn't the only thing that is important...one must know what roads to take, the condition of those roads (looking out for dips, pot holes, tree branches, etc), watching for the kids you must pick up and learning where to drop those kids off in the afternoon, and of course keeping your eyes on the kids too! I am enjoying it and could only hope they'd put those great mirrors on all the vehicles on the road! lol